E7 - Coping with Covid-19: An Interview with Alex Morales

Currently we are collectively experiencing trauma. We are in the middle of a pandemic just trying to survive it. For most people it's incredibly stressful and brings up all sorts of new, difficult emotions and situations. However, for those of us who already struggle with past and recent trauma, it can prompt that old trauma back to the forefront, making this experience more challenging. We're missing out on plans we made to improve ourselves this year and move forward. We may even feel like we're sliding backwards in recovery. I asked my extraordinarily resilient and wise friend Alex Morales to have a conversation with me about what it’s like to navigate this pandemic while coping with other complex trauma.

Alex Morales

Alex Morales is a social media manager in higher ed and she is a free lance writer for HelloGiggles where she shares personal essays. She loves dance parties, exploring her neighborhood (which is super forest-y), doing things for the story and, more recently, cooking! She’s a beacon of light, resiliency and someone I’m lucky enough to call a close friend.

To start on a positive note, what are some things you love about yourself?

Things I love about myself? Even though I’ve been through some wild life moments, I can still find time to reflect on those moments and grow. It’s a mix of tears, anger and a lot of laughing. Pretty much a roller coaster but I don’t regret any of it!

What makes this topic of trauma relevant to you?

• Losing my mom at age 6, 5 days before my 7th birthday from ovarian cancer.

• Losing my partner Phil last year right after our trip to France. We were together for just a year. 

How did the effects of this trauma first start to appear in your life and effect you?

I have been in and out of therapy with the same therapist since I was 8 or 9 I think and realized just three years ago that I had depression induced anxiety and started on SSRIs. Feeling that every one I ever loved or had in my life would abandon me or disappear or die (which yes we’ll all die) but still!

What types of therapy/self-help have you done? 

Talk therapy, rage writing, yoga, acupuncture, getting on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds, writing about my loss.

What made you seek out help?

Moments of anxiety and depression that often appeared out of nowhere but made me realize that I really need to deal with my grief and trauma. Shows up in sneaky ways. First panic attack in 2012 after graduating and moving back home. Deeply depressed in fall of 2016 and started on meds in spring in 2017.

Which of these have been the most effective? Why?

I think they all have but therapy and acupuncture have been the most recent and consistent. I think too, with loss and trauma, it makes you be more intentional about how you spend your time and who you spend your time with.

Coping with the quarantine and Covid-19 stress and anxiety

What is it like experiencing this pandemic for you? 

At first I thought that it would be easy. Like I went through a super painful loss last year, I can do anything! But as time wore on, it’s been really hard. I miss my family and seeing friends in person and hugs. I thought this year would be a fresh start. I did a LOT of grief work last year and though grieving is never really over, I wanted to dip my toe back into dating and have things in my life to look forward to. 

How has your path to recovery changed because of this pandemic?  

I feel like it’s ups and downs similar to grief but also realizing in the past couple weeks that I’ve been depressed but deep down it’s triggered by anger. Everything just feels SO unfair and rude and like ‘Why is this happening?’ I already did the hard stuff, why do I have to do it again? It’s frustrating. But then other moments I feel very lucky. 

What has been the hardest part of this for you?

The not seeing family and friends has been super hard, as has attempting to stay positive or optimistic about dating. It’s tough. I also miss Phil and know he would have been the best person to quarantine with and would have lots to say. 

What helps you get through the toughest days? 

Going on a couple walks throughout the day really helps! Just being in nature and working through my anger—power walking and listening to the Faint. Also, talking to my therapist or close family or friends. Remembering to eat and drink water. Also just crying it out and getting some fresh air. 

What's a rage journal?

A rage journal is a thing I decided to do last year after Phil died when I was feeling lots of anger that I’d never really felt in my life before. Writing it out on my computer and just saying all the things I was feeling about everything—people I was angry with, situations, etc—in a doc that no one would see was super cathartic. I started one back up again with the current pandemic. It’s a way of getting all those angry and outraged thoughts and feelings out in a safe space. 

What does riding the wave mean to you? What does that look like? 

I think riding the wave means taking it all moment by moment, one day, hour or minute at a time. Surrendering to feelings is hard but it provides more relief than trying to fight it. Last year, I broke down in public or at work so many times. I learned to just not care because I needed to process what I was feeling. Grief doesn’t happen when you’re safe in your room, home from work. It pops up and it’s sneaky and you have to respect that. 

When I was giving my eulogy at Phil’s service, I felt good about what I was going to say and in an okay place. But as soon as I stood up to speak, I was completely overwhelmed by the crowd and just broke down. I had to surrender to the moment, pause, ride the way if you will, and then continued on. 

 What doesn't help? 

When someone you love is grieving, there’s not one right thing to say. But there are certainly things that don’t help like sharing different platitudes i.e. talking about silver linings, asking inappropriate questions, etc. The people in my life who showed up for my loss were the right people. Sometimes it can feel surprising and painful but everyone reacts differently to grief. And I’m SO grateful for those in my circle. 

What boundaries, if any, have you noticed you've drawn with yourself others during this bizarre time?

When shelter-in-place first started, I found myself desperate for human interaction and was setting up zoom calls and happy hours with friends nearly every night. But that quickly became exhausting and just too much. Now, I find myself being super intentional about who I spend my time with and listening to what I need. Sometimes it’s a solo walk, sometimes it’s a socially distanced walk and sometimes it’s driving around and screaming along to my fave song. 

What is one piece of advice would you offer listeners who are struggling right now with their past trauma during this current traumatic experience the world is experiencing? 

I would say to be kind to yourself and don’t try to rationalize what you’re feeling. It can feel extremely unfair to be going through this and that’s a valid feeling. It can be frustrating when you have self-care systems and rituals and work you’ve done set in place and then something like a pandemic happens that seems to through everything off. But listen to your gut. More than anything else. And every day and moment is different. Take your time, feel all the feels and cut yourself some slack. You’re here and the world keeps spinning.